2010-11-19: Absent

I feel
Ripped apart,
No heart
Left within.
My get-up-and-go
Got up and went.
Not so much empty
As absent.

[I was in two minds whether to post this as it seems a bit like a fragment rather than a finished poem. But I think extending it might dilute it so here it is]

1994-05-22: Absence

Your absence
Leaves me nervy,
Makes me fear
The unexpected,
Leaves me wanting
And deserving
More than this.

Your absence
Makes me foolish,
Leaves me short
Of understanding,
Without the trust,
Without the patience
That I need.

In your absence
I grow stronger,
I grow wilder,
I reach further,
But the pain
Is almost more
Than I can bear.

2014-Aug: It felt like

I fell in love

and it felt like it was forever

I would have followed you

to the other side of the world

if only you had asked

but you didn't.

I fell in love

and it felt like it was meant to be

I'd have given a lot

To be with you

But you chose

To be free.

I fell in love

and it felt like it was grown up

But you lied 

And you cheated

So in the end

I asked you to go

2014-Aug: Decades

In my twenties 

I learnt that 

Love could be found

And Love could be lost

And so I turned to Lust

Where losing mattered less.

In my thirties

I learnt that

You could love

More than once

Trouble was so did he

And the other woman made three.

In my forties 

I learnt that

I didn't need

Someone else

But I still didn't learn

To love myself

[So the original idea was to post this directly after the "First Love" item. But then I just couldn't resist posting something else last night. Still, feel free to compare and contrast. Although this isn't the first new thing I've written since starting the 30 day challenge, it is the first to get posted. It's slightly scary as I want to hold it back and check it is really *done*. I don't guarantee this poem will never change - it feels like it needs something more, a final verse].

1991-02-11: Love conquers all

Love may come easy,
Love may come hard,
Love makes you hungry,
Love makes you tired,
Love builds you up
And love tears you down,
Love makes you laugh
And love makes you frown,
Love can be everything
You want it to be,
Love may cost dearly
Or love may be free,
Love is a word
And oh so much more,
When nothing is left
Love conquers all.

1989-05-21: First Love

First love
Brings laughter,
Brings pain.
First love
Makes you think
You won't love again.

First love is fire
And shooting stars.
First love is life
In a rose-coloured glass.
First love don't stop
And won't last.

Next time love
Brings smiles
And sunny days.
Next time love
The give and take
Works both ways.

Next time love
Is quiet appreciation.
Those once bitten
Are twice shy.
Next time love
Just ain't the same.

2004-Feb: Going Nowhere

I am old before my time,
Washed up
And left hanging on the line.
Feel like
I am watching life go by
And I can't make it stop.

I'm walking on the beach,
My footsteps washed away
Beneath my feet,
No trace left behind.
I'm moving on
But going nowhere.

[Despite the two 2004 poems being some months apart, they both talk about beaches. I'm not sure why as I wasn't anywhere near a beach at the time. I was stuck in limbo and living in my parent's spare room while my other half lived in the house I was paying for in another country. ]

2004-10-26: Ever On

I can't hold the world still,
Stop the sun, the moon, the seas
In their tracks.
I can't stop the stars
From falling
From the sky.
I can't hold the seas
From washing
The beach clean.
The winds will blow,
The leaves will fall
Upon the ground,
And time will march
With steady stride
Ever on.

1989-10-11: No More Time For You

And there was
No time to say goodbye,
No time to say I love you,
No time to dry my tears
Or wrap my arms around you.

The good times
Were few and far between,
I learnt to savour every moment
And cherish the waking dream.

Now I've got
No time to remember,
Or wonder what went wrong,
No time for nostalgia
When someone plays our song.

The bad times
Came too often and too fast,
Til I learnt how to shelter
From the nightmare of the past.

And there is
No time that will heal me,
Or take away the pain.
No time that would let me
Trust you with my love again.

I've got no more time for you.

1989-10-19: Hold me tight

Hold me tight, my dear,
And drive away
The dragons and spirits
Of my dreams.

Hold me tight, my dear,
And keep away
The fear and loneliness
That night time brings.

Hold me tight, my dear,
And in my heart
A flame is struck
To scare the dreams away.

Hold me tight, my dear,
And deep within
A light is lit
To keep the dark away.

Hold me tight, my dear,
And in your arms
No harm can come
And only joy be found.

1994-04-24: No more no less

Your love of me
Is brutal, basic,
Takes me to the edge
And brings me back in pieces,
It finds the emptiness
I have
And fills it,
No more, no less.

1994-02-11: Worlds enough

There are worlds enough and time
To get my feelings into line,
Just for now I'll leave them
Loose and running free.

There is time enough for love,
No need to hurry, push or shove,
Just relax and let it
Happen naturally.

I've got love enough to share,
But you don't seem to care,
So I'll just wait
And let you work it out.

There are worlds enough and time,
There is reason, there is rhyme,
So I'll trust in Fate
And see what comes my way.

1994-06-14: One weekend

I remember one year
I spent most of the weekend
That constitutes a British summer
In bed with you.
Indulging in lazy
Over-heated sex.
The heavy air
Coating our bodies with sweat
As we moved against each other
With well-oiled familiarity.
Afterwards lying
In languid disarray,
Close but not touching,
Unable to tolerate
The warmth of another body,
But somehow still part
Of the same animal.

1994-02-15: You lied

You lied,
You held me close,
I fit you like a glove.
You lied,
Your words and actions
Told another story.
You lied,
I opened my heart
And gave you a guided tour.
You lied,
I believed in you
And so believed in us.
You lied,
And now I wonder
If you ever told the truth.

[Oh my. This wasn't about the really big liar who was part of my life some time after this. But it would fit that situation. Prophecy or just a repeating pattern ?]

1985: He's not for me

Oh no, he's not for me
Even with those blue-green eyes,
And if he tries to tame me
He's in for some surprise.
I'm not one to fall for
The smile and easy charm,
If he tries to use this woman
I'll be the one to do the harm.
He's not so bad I 'spose
In a funny sort of way,
But he'll find a word in my ear
Won't be enough to make my day.
I'll play a game with him
Like a fish upon a line,
And if he begins to care
I guess I wouldn't mind.
It'll be fun to flirt for a while,
Feed him his own potion,
But I'll not be the one to care,
All tangled in emotion.
He'll make a good escort,
He always looks so good,
I guess I could care a little,
I think I really would,
But not so much it hurts me
I couldn't cope with that,
Nor so much that if we parted
Life would suddenly be flat.

[I'm not quite sure who had the "blue-green eyes", but I suspect this was from afar and unrequited.  And I'm still not sure about the word "escort" as it just feels a bit contrived. Maybe someday I will have another go at this and sort it out. The general idea was someone trying to convince herself that she was in control of her emotions, but the control is just an illusion. ]

1985: Room with a view

Hypnotise me
With blue-green eyes,
We know what we want
So it's no surprise
When I lock the door
And welcome you in.
The taste in my mouth
Is the sweet taste of sin,
I know and you know
We'll not sleep tonight.
Replete on each other
In the velvet half-light,
I'll hold you so closely
That we'll be as one,
Part of a conquest
That nobody won.
Linked in our music
A wild symphony,
Our minds and our bodies
In slick harmony.
So frantic emotion
At leisurely rate,
While heart beat is racing
Our sense pulsate.
I feel you against me,
I know that you care,
Though when I turn over
I find you're not there.
In dreamtime unending
You visit me now,
You hold me suspended
In imaginary vow.
I want you, I need you
To be by my side,
The miles in between us
Will not let me hide
The way I am feeling
The fact I love you
So visit in real time
My room with a view.


[Is it me or does this poem wimp out with a "dallas" moment by turning the lover into a dream ? I seem to have used this device a few times - perhaps just holding back a little]

1985: The other me

With feet on ground
I creep, I crawl,
Ambitions chained
To solid earth.
With head in clouds
The other me
Roams far and wide,
Unfettered, free.

1985: Inside Me

Inside me
A creature prowls,
Surveys its cage,
In anger howls,
Slips it leash
With mindless glee,
And I become
The other me.

1993-07-07: Thief

At night I dream
Of lust and love and laughter,
Of pain and disaster,
And each extreme
Remains unreal,
A product of my mind.

But there's a thief
Who steals my desires,
My midnight fantasies,
And sets them free.
There in the light of day
They live and breathe.

Live dangerously
He whispers in my ear,
Life aint no rehearsal
There's a choice of aspirations
Of live, of love, of pain,
It's up to you to choose.

All you have to do
Is reach a little further
And choose to live.
Take with both hands
The chances you've been given
And make them real.

1987-8: Clean cut

So clean the cut,
Look down to see it welling,
Begins to flow,
And scatters as I move.
Paint the wall,
With pretty blood-stained patterns,
Arcing droplets
Glisten as they fly.
Paint the town
With the remainder of my life,
Paint it all red,
So pretty, see it fly,
A work of art,
I see the pattern growing,
And when it's done
I sign it with my blood.

[Note: This is from the uni years so I have guess it is sometime in 1987 or 88. I remember seeing an arc of blood on a wall somewhere; it had a kind of macabre beauty. So I wrote about it.]

1994-01-12: Better

I don't want to be good,
I want to be better.
I don't want to be first,
I want to be faster.
I want to succeed
Where others survive,
I want to make triumph
Out of disaster.
It's not enough to be now,
I want to be always.
I want to be here,
And never be nowhere.
Why stand still
When you can take one more step ?
Why call a halt
When I've done nothing yet ?

[Note: this is an example of one of the poems from later than I thought I was still writing. It was 90% ok with one pair of lines not working. I'd obviously never had the time to sit down and sort the issue. Turned out I was looking at the wrong pair and could fix the issue by a change somewhere else. I think it works now ?]

1994-04-27: Show me

I've always had wings
But you taught me to fly,
I've always had reason,
You showed me why,
I thought I could see
Til you opened my eyes,
I knew how to live,
Now I know how to die.

So show me a winter,
I'll melt it to spring,
Show me an empire,
I'll make you the king,
Show me a mountain,
I'll climb all the way,
Show me a moment,
I'll make it a day.

1988-07-21: Tears

It's raining,
Soft tears upon the ground,
For the sky is not too proud
To cry.

[This was written a long time ago but it seemed right to post it now. The news today was about Robin Williams]

1993-03-16: Gaze

At first I can not look into your eyes
For fear of what I might see.
But when I do, I can not look away
For fear of losing this moment.
I look into the never-ending depths
And, falling, lose myself in them.
I want to hold this moment,
The passion, the intensity,
Captured in one gaze,
And savour it forever.
In one unending heartbeat
I find a universe of feeling,
Of emotion, of sensation,
My skin all nerve endings
My mind ablaze with colours.
And then you look away,
It fades, I breathe again.


[I'm slightly surprised to find poems in the box from post university years as I thought I had all but stopped writing when I started working. It seems not. Sometimes they are just fragments and never finished. In today's poem I have changed a couple of words but that is all. The changes are things I had fiddled with at the time so I clearly wasn't sure first time around. I think it works now ?]

1988-11-08: Loving Ain't That Cheap

I dislike the way
You trifle with emotion,
Say that you love me,
Then give your warmth
To someone else's arms.
I know you've been hurt before,
And badly too,
But so have I,
And still I know
That loving ain't that cheap.

1994: Warp and Weft

You are my warp
You are my weft
Without you
I'm bereft.

You are my chalk
You are my cheese
Without you
I have no ease.

You are my bird
You are my bee
Without you
I'm all at sea.

You give me pleasure
Without any pain
And you give it
Again and again

You give me passion
You give me love
You give me the earth
And its heavens above.


[No date on this one, but it is on the back of some house details so I am guessing at 1994]

1990-10-29: My love

My love lost me,
Left me,
Loved me
More than I could bear.

My love hurt me,
Left me
With a love
No longer shared.

Now I'm cried out,
All washed up
And burnt out
And I no longer care.

1986/7: Spaced Out

Spaced out

Wiped out

Slumped in a corner

No mind to care,

Little girl

Within her

Creeps out to see

If anything's there.

She's wasted

Painted doll

Puppet of her peers

White face and diamond tears,

Thrown away

Forgotten

A product of society,

Blood, sweat, and fears.

[Note: I was reminded of this one by a friend so dug through the box til I found it. No date but I am guessing some time in the academic year 86/87]

1988-Feb: "Love is" and "Love isn't"

So far I have been publishing a poem per post, but this group seems to fit together. Written around the middle of February, I was obviously playing with the theme.

1) 1988-02-13

Love is pain,
Ecstasy that hurts,
It's laughing,
Crying, weeping.
It's smiling when you're sad,
It's being polite
When you want to scream and fight,
It's like a disease
That doesn't have a cure.
Don't ask me why
Love is.

2) 1988-02-15

Love is
Something within
That's so rare as to be precious
And still so common.
It's a deep inner fire
That burns without flame,
That rules and regulations
Can not hope to contain.

3) and clearly I got to the point where I felt I couldn't explain what "love is" so wrote an "anti-valentine" on 19th Feb 1988

Love isn't

Watching you wave goodbye
Knowing I won't see you again,
Expecting the phone not to ring
And being surprised at getting a letter,
Remembering not to claw your back
And not to hold hands in public,
A friend telling me how much you care,
Me telling people you don't really matter,
Wearing a dress I know you don't like,
Saying you look good when you don't,
Hoping you can't stay the night,
Not knowing how many sugars you take,
Watching the other channel on the TV,
Playing the record I know you hate,
Picking a fight when I know you're wrong
Just to prove how little you know.

That's what love isn't.

1994-02-09: Drumming hooves

Drumming hooves

Across tide-washed sands,

Wind steals the tears

From my eyes,

Muscles bunch and flow

In hungry flight,

Leaving behind

A slow-dissolving trail.

1994-01-19: Centered

Centered is
Being where I'm at,
Breathing easy,
Breezing through,
Chilled out and cool.

Centered is
Riding high,
Feeling good,
Seizing the moment
The way you know you should.

Centered is
Extending the limits,
Taking on risk,
Flexing your muscles,
Enjoying the stretch.

Centered is
Doing things
In my own time.
Dancing to a tune
That is singularly mine.

1993-06-07: The way I'd like you

If I close my eyes
I can feel your lips
Caress my neck,
Your almost touch
Upon my waist,
The closeness of you.
I can feel your arms
Encircle me,
Safe harbour,
Intoxicating presence.
I know just how
It would be
If you were only
The way I'd like you.

[Note: this is over a year after the "Dream" poem yet has a similar concept, words etc. So whatever I was feeling around then it was fairly consistent]

1992-02-17: Dream

I dreamt I was
Warm against your chest,
Snugly fitted hip to hip,
My head rested in the
Made-to-measure hollow of your shoulder,
So close I could smell
Your strength and feel
Your arms lightly encircle me.
But now I am no longer
Sure that it was you.
He was so real, so here,
And you never are.

1988-02-24: Pressure

Pressure in my skull
Like a stormy summer day
Twists my eyes,
Pushes me down
Til I am eating dirt.
I feel drained,
The colour leached away
To leave a shadow of myself.

[Note: there are a few on this theme. Migraine sufferers may recognise what is going on]

1992-10-12: You

You touched me
And. as you touched my body,
Touched my soul.

You helped me
And, as you eased my aches,
You eased my pain.

You held me
And, in your hand,
You held my heart.

1991-11-04: Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking doesn't change a thing
(More's the pity
Or I'd be tall, slim and beautiful)
So there is no way
To make what we want from each other
Match with
What we're prepared to give.

1991-06-24: Girl With...

I wanted to be
Your girl with a rucksack
With no responsibilities,
No ties but my love for you.

Instead I am
A girl with a mission,
A job and a home,
And living without you.

Whatever happened to
Those carefree days
Of kites floating high
On the breeze my heart followed.

A summer of love
Followed by a winter of aloneness
Left with nothing
But memory to keep me warm.

The light within me
Flickering midst wintery storms

1991-05-24: What You See

I am but a carrier for my soul,
The part of me that's greater than the whole.
And when everything is done and said
It's a different person who's inside my head.

No feet of clay or facts-of-life,
No living on a thin-edged-knife,
The inside me is not the same
As what's outside and bears my name.

The outward signs, the "what you see"
Is but the smallest part of me.
Iceberg-like there's more beneath
If only you're prepared to seek.

1988-01-31:Echoes

Re-reading your letters,
I feel echoes in my mind
Of the way I felt,
And the emotions that still bind.

I wish I could scream it,
Tell it for all to hear,
I still love you, want you,
And I wish that you were near.

I fell in love in summer,
And loved you all year long.
But now my heart's a winter
And I don't know what went wrong.

For all my love and needing,
You went without a word,
So I'll have to voice my protest
To a big, wide, empty world.

Without you there is nothing,
And all the colours fade away,
The fight's not really worth it
For one more grey grimy day.

For nothing is without you,
I see your face upon the wall,
I hear your voice come from a stranger
And turn my back upon them all.

1988-01-13: Men

Men are more trouble than they're worth.
They're a walking disaster from the moment of birth,
They never do the right thing at the right time or place,
Yet the card they are holding is always the ace,
They always bite off more than they can chew,
And lovingly hand the remainder to you,
They're a pain and a worry and go one step too far,
They like drinking, fast women, and faster still cars,
They argue and insist that they're always right,
Yet expect your support if they start up a fight,
I love them and hate them, they're all just as bad,
The one thing they're good at is driving me mad.

1988-03-15:Sit and sweat it out

I'm close to the edge
And ready to jump,
Walking the thin line
Between living and dead.
Don't push me
Or I might take one step too far,
Just let me
Sit and sweat it out.

Living for the present
I'm a creature of the night,
The darkness is a weapon
To wield against the light.
So watch me
Danger makes me come alive,
It doesn't scare me
I'll sit and sweat it out.

It gives me a kick
Like twenty thousand volts
To take a risk
On what the future holds.
Don't push me
Or I might take one step too far,
Just let me
Sit and sweat it out.

If there's trouble
I'll look after myself,
I'm not dependent
On anybody else,
So stand clear
I can do without your help,
It doesn't scare me
I'll sit and sweat it out.

[Most people wouldn't automatically think about danger and risk along with "sitting" but this is about holding your nerve, about those little games of "chicken" where the risk is in waiting]

1988-06-30: Dancers

Hot and sweaty
Like tropical heat,
In the background the music
Has a primaeval beat.
The dancers move
From an inner need
That makes their hearts sing
And their souls bleed.
Clothes cling to bodies
As sense pulsate,
The look in their eyes
Recognises their fate.
Filled with obsession
They'll dance til they drop,
Their ears filled with music
That never will stop.

1989-12-07: Build me a dream

Build me a dream
Of brimstone and treacle,
Build me a dream
And fill it with people,
Fill it with lovers,
And fill it with lies,
Fill it with secrets
And love's sweet surprise.

Build me a dream
Of heat and of dust,
Build me a dream
That's dripping with lust,
Fill it with loving
And dark velvet nights,
Fill it with closeness
And make it alright.

Build me a dream
That's strong and that's true,
Build me a dream
That smells only of you,
Wrap me in blankets
Made from your desire,
Let me be warmed
By the light of your fire.

1989-04-19: Perhaps I love you

Perhaps I love you.
All I know for certain
Is you fill my every dream
And often in the daytime,
From nowhere, a thought of you
Will make me stop and smile,
With a world of meaning.

So perhaps I love you.
For sure, your very touch
Brings a warmth
That's more than skin deep,
And the sound of your voice
Echoes deep within my soul,
Where sight and sound
Become sweet melody.

And although the way I feel for you
May not be the raging fires of first love,
But is instead the quiet glow of embers,
The warmth is such to thaw the winter into spring.
And though I know the path ahead
Is not an easy one to take,
Still I'll walk that path with you.
So perhaps I love you.

[Note: one thing I can say for sure is I didn't get to walk that path for ever]

1988-07-17: You

I live for you,
I die for you,
I laugh for you,
I cry for you,
You bring colour
To my life,
You bring feeling
To my heart,
You make laughter
From my pain,
You make joy
From what was hurt,
What was empty
Now is full,
What was ended
Now begun.

1988-Jan: Give me a reason

I'm scared,
Scared to laugh
And scared to cry,
Scared to love
And scared to die,
But most of all
Scared to love.

So give me a reason
To dry my tears,
Give me a reason
To banish my fears.

I'm tired,
Tired of talking
And tired of giving,
Tired of trying
And tired of living,
But most of all
Too tired to care.

So give me a reason
To heal the scars,
I'm locked in a prison
So break down the bars.

I'm lonely,
I need you
To hold me,
To love me,
To scold me,
But most of all
To make it worthwhile.

1987-Dec: If we fight

If we fight
It will be the first time,
But let me tell you
It will also be the last.
I've known too much
Pain and cried
Too many rivers
To let present become past.